I had a really lovely day actually. The first sunny day we've had in days, a lovely play date in the park with a friend, a nap for me and a long simultaneous nap from both kids, some productivity while they were sleeping...but then I started cooking dinner.
My obligatory annoyingly-long-stream-of-consciousness-paragraph is probably appropriate here. I could then explain the 1,001 little irritations and problems that built up in a short period of time this afternoon behind me deciding to lash out at my husband, but I'll spare you. :)
To make a long story short, I had just arrived home and was getting out of the van with two whiny, hungry kids and our uncooked dinner at the exact time we normally start eating dinner, with almost an hour of cooking ahead of me, and I heard Michael open the garage door and call to me from inside the garage.
I yelled, "WHAT?" (like a real yell, ya'll) while ignoring him and stomping right through the front door with a shoeless, hungry, wiggly baby on my hip and a pan of raw chicken casserole tottering on my arm. After depositing the fussy baby and pan of food unceremoniously inside and hurriedly turning on the oven to preheat, I stomped back out to the van to grab another load of stuff (and find the other kid). Michael walked in and tried to say something like, "Are you OK?" and I growled back loudly while brushing past him roughly, "It's. not. you!"
I was pretty out of it, people. Out of character. Into my own irritation.
At that moment, out of the corner of my eye I spotted a dear male friend of ours looking extremely uncomfortable behind Michael in our garage, hands in pockets and eyes looking everywhere but at me and my poor hubby.
Yep. He saw it all. He heard it all.
I was so mortified, and I was angry beyond words with myself for embarrassing my husband like that in front of someone that both of us respect.
After unloading the rest of the van, getting dinner thrown in the oven, tossing some steam-in-the-bag veggies in the microwave (praise God for steam-in-the-bag veggies!), and saying three Hail Marys to calm down, I walked out into the garage.
Both men stopped talking mid-sentence, their eyes widening just the tiniest bit. I launched meekly into a confession that I was really frazzled from everything that had happened that afternoon, and without trying to excuse myself, I laid out the best apology I could. I wanted my friend and Michael to both know that my behavior was purely from me not handling stress well and taking it out on Michael, not any argument between Michael and me. I then went back inside, put on The Rescuers Down Under for Gabe, and played Busy Bugs with Faith until Michael came inside.
Whereupon I apologized profusely and tearfully and he made me want to beat myself up more because he was so forgiving and gracious when I didn't expect him to be. If Michael and I had been in each other's shoes this afternoon, I would have been furious, not to mention deeply embarrassed.
This little incident really got me thinking about my behavior and my speech toward my spouse in private and in public. We are all going to make mistakes. We are all going to snap at our spouses every once in a while, because we're not perfect--we're sinners. My point is that I think I've probably been snapping at Michael too often lately in private. And that's not OK. We should all be striving to be the person we want to be when everyone else is watching. And I do strive for that. I just think I've probably been slipping lately.
I'm ending the day today praising the Lord for growing Michael and I both in humility, patience, forgiveness and understanding as a couple. That is because even a year or so ago, I really think an incident like the one this afternoon would have turned into a B.D.D. (Big Dang Deal) for us, rather than diffusing enough by dinnertime that we were laughing together again at our hilarious kids.
Like THIS hilarious kid. :)